Copyright © 1999 by Lenna A. Mahoney

STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION (STTNG)

(Being A Glossary Review of the first four episodes, having seen no later episodes and with little said about Star Trek: The Old Generation (STTOG))

     Cameo, Cute Codger:  What can I say?  I can think of worse people than my old favorite Bones to live to the age of 1037, get to be Admiral, and be favored with gratis tours of Starfleet's finest (EF).  Awwwww.  But, STTOG loyalties aside, I have to wonder if the taxpayers of the future are going to protest this.

     Contest, beauty: An integral part of the Starfleet qualifying exams for human executive officers, but apparently not a requirement for Engineering service (NN).  Or perhaps the engine-room vibrations shake off the makeup.  The following episode idea takes advantage of these observations:
     "Planet of the Plain People":  How intriguing.  Sensors indicate a sizable population, also plainly visible to Commander Data.  But none of the meat people, or the cameras, or the viewers can see a thing.  Fortunately, by the end of the episode, brilliantly devised garments, unguents, and training programs allow a few inhabitants to become generally visible.  Another triumph for Federation science.  Something that could never have been accomplished in the Twentieth Century.

     Crusher, Dr., Chief Medical Officer:  A rather vague figure, speaking as to character but not curvature.  Possibly her sense of humor got tangled in Wes's umbilical cord and was lost when he was born.  Only time will tell if she exists to be mated with Captain Picard, but some deterioration of this character's condition has occurred.  Her variant of the bitch-in-heat syndrome in NN was to pull at the leash and whine for a husband substitute, if not a (pardon me) bone.  Not a pretty sight.  Still, the lady can stay cool under less lusty forms of pressure, like raising someone from the dead (CH).

     Crusher, Wesley, child prodigy in residence:  Patented Nice Kid.  Will he be the trouble-seeking autoplot generator?  Will he be soulful and bitterly misunderstood, like Miri and Charlie X?  It'll be difficult in future to find excuses for Wes failing to save the day, when he did it twice (NN) even though he was drunk.  (A pretty example for American Youth!)  Possibly he'll have to break down periodically, like the transporter.  The mind boggles.  The mouth giggles.

     Data, Commander:  There are some rather charming touches here, which I hope to mention without embarrassing the gentleman, he being an android.  First, he's wistful.  Second, his makeup is the racial roulette variety, an improbable combination of races or none at all.  Third, Brent Spiner has clearly studied mime and hasn't joined the Certified Clunker Guild of Robot/Android Acting.  Fourth, umm, huh, just how fully functional is this guy, anyhow?

     Enterprise, new improved Galaxy-class:  Unlike the STTOG Enterprise, this vehicle looks infinitely better on the screen than any commercially available plastic model ever will.  It is probably a DeLorean.  It has other improved features, such as a faster (but still conveniently obstructible) transporter, sensors that can locate people even without communicators (CH), snap-apart construction (EF), special shock absorbers to protect the crew from the Cocktail Shaker Syndrome, whooping Red Alert alarms that can actually be shut up (EF), and an internal com system that doesn't let Engineering staff talk back.
     A few of the STTOG Enterprise's flaws do remain -- it whooshes in space and makes even more noise when it warps.  Gotta do something about those mufflers. It has also become clear (LO) that the omission of fireplaces and Sterno stoves was a distinct design flaw, though it saved enough money to build a main bridge big enough for a luau.  And there is still no convenient way to keep someone in Engineering from running the ship.  It makes me wonder why the Bridge isn't located in Engineering.  Maybe because the engine vibrations shake off the makeup.

     Ferenghi:  More boring humanoids.  Oddly, the name "Ferenghi" is the same word used by many Arab countries to mean "foreigner."  And through some strange coincidence they use our word for devil (daimon) as a title.  Gee, Mabel, duh, I wonder if it means anything...

     Intellect, characters of notable:  Well, after four episodes we got decisive characters like captains and commanders, we got temperamental characters like security chiefs, empaths and Klingons, we got nurturing characters like doctor mommies, and we got a guy with infinite facts and no soul.  What we don't got is someone whose distinctive trait is intellect and curiosity.  Fascinating.  I never expected to miss Spock.  And while we're on the subject of qualities not purely pragmatic, why hasn't anyone stepped forward as Ship's Chaplain?

     La Forge, Lieutenant Geordi:  As of this StarDate, La Forge continues to give the writers a severe vacillation between sentimentality and seeming normalcy.  He's handicapped, but he really isn't because his bionic visor gives him superior vision, but he really is because it hurts him incurably all the time (EF).  Sort of the way Spock ended up: so superior it hurts.  With any marketing at all, said bionic visor will replace Vuarnet sunglasses among the fashion-conscious five-year-olds.

     MacDonald, Chief Engineer:  A likable ephemeral (NN), who gave a reassuring though unfortunately transient impression of competence and attention to detail.  Pity she wasn't allowed even one of the ship-saving technical insights so liberally lavished on Wes Crusher.

     Megacoelenterate, intergalactic:  That is, giant deep-space jellyfish.  The amazing thing about these beasties (EF)?  No one even once raises the question of whether or not they are intelligent.  They would have looked better with tentacles of varying lengths, not a crewcut.  A special effects artifact?

     Picard, Captain Jean-Luc:  Finally, a captain with genuine strength and authority!  And genuine symptoms of chronic exasperation.  The writers seem to feel that no accumulation of suspense is complete until it reduces Picard to helpless seething frustration.  Maybe it would save his apoplexy glands to stand up a Picard poster with a tape recorder the next time someone wants the Prime Directive explained.  No, just quoted; no one could explain it.  Said poster could also be crimped to bend over backward further and further to avoid being brusque every time it gets near Wes.  Another bad sign for Jean-Luc's health was the scene (EF) where he dithered interminably at his Chief Medical Officer, lines much more suited to Captain Kirk, a ditherhead par excellence.

     Portal:  Obi-Wan Kenobi after a lobotomy.  He was probably never any more than the last surviving janitor pinch-hitting as a doorman, now pretending to be a personage of major importance (LO); certainly he shows no sign of genuine diplomatic or decision-making ability.

     Q:  Another contender in the ongoing mightier-than-thou Intergalactic Trelane contest (EF).  This multiply garbed gentleman is among the all-time bitchiest of the contestants.  Apparently he has a tremendous crush on Captain Picard, and indulges it with the usual pre-pubescent gibes and harassment.

     Riker, Commander William:  This guy is practically perfect.  In LO, he gets along with children (amiability), quotes ancient Chinese proverbs (spirituality), stands fast in the face of being parted asunder (delusions of immortality), converts Portal to a Federation supporter and a lover of humanity (99 & 44/00 percent pure blarney), casually saves the Ferenghi civilisation (appalling magnanimity), and sends a crate of Chinese finger puzzles to the Ferenghi ship where they'll be no tribble at all (grade-A Enterprise history student).
     What with the resemblance in face, hairstyle, posture, and physique, I am betting that this stud is an upgrade of James T-for-Testosterone Kirk.  But there is one difficulty:  Deanna Troi.  How can Riker successfully Go Where No ManOne Has Gone Before if Lady Dee is always pulling his shirttail to keep him out of danger?  And how can Riker possibly fill Kirk's jockstrap as a womanizer if he's got a live-in unresolved romance?

     Science, weird:  Why didn't the energy drain (LO) shut down La Forge's visor?  Why were the T'kon, who could move stars and planets (LO), so completely devastated by a mere tiddler of a supernova?  What was the distortion that Troi sensed (LO) in the Ferenghi transmission?  The Ferenghi on the planet looked exactly like the one on the screen.
     What's more, folks, we have here in the Federation a peculiarly fastidious medical science (CH) that can resurrect a mortally poisoned woman, but cannot in the least prevent death from a certain well-known plague, or synthesize a cure to match the known natural one.  Step right in, folks.  There's one born every Solar standard minute.
     As a special added bonus, how do gravity pulses (NN) spontaneously generate alcoholoids in people protected by shields?  Furthermore, the Syndrome could have been contained if the personnel who visited the Tsiolkovsky, clearly a potential high contamination zone, had been quarantined.  Didn't "The Naked Time" teach nobody nuthin?
     And what kind of red giant star is it (NN) that squirts out a chunk of crust at maybe 0.3c?  (Presume that the Enterprise is at Earth orbit from the star's envelope, about 9 light-minutes, and note that the rock's travel time was 14 minutes.)  Clearly the writers have more crust than the star.  Either that or the red giant, like so many characters in NN, just wanted to get its rocks off.

     Story-line:  Or maybe story-lien or story-loan, since the four episodes were mostly self-plagiarization.  "Naked Time", "Tholian Web", "Devil in the Dark" with a misunderstood creature that contains instead of makes tunnels, transfinite numbers of Dies Irae moralitarian aliens second-guessing humanity.
     In CH, though, there was originality, and some nice touches too. The Enterprise officers actually beat the natives by their own rules, not by instantaneous cultural change applied with stone knives and bearskins.  For lagniappe, a native was sharp enough to combine the Enterprise capabilities (resurrection) with her own codes (death ending a mating) to outwit her opponent, who accepted his own downfall, faithful to his codes.

     T'kon Empire:  What the Federation wants to be when it grows up (LO).

     Troi, Deanna:  A fairly regrettable character just full of female intuition and puppy lust for Riker (NN); a kind of emotive marionette for aliens (EF), particularly aliens who have emotions just like down-home human folks.  And why did she make Tasha admit a case of the hots for the native leader (Lutan) in front of Captain Picard?  Tacky to the max.  One has to stretch the fabric of story logic if not the space-time continuum to rationalize this.  Such a noodge.
     Well, but the rank of Head Empath must be a wee bit confusing.  On the one hand, Troi has the non-military title of "Counselor" and doesn't wear a uniform (EF).  On the other, she has to take orders from Commander Riker.  It seems to me that an empath's skills would be severely repressed by military discipline.  It seems that the producer feels said skills would be repressed by wearing pants; hence Troi's uniquely camera-ready legs.

     Values, production:  Unremarkably remarkable special effects.  The Starfleet ship and station interiors seem less ephemeral than those in STTOG.  It is now believable that buildings can actually be blown up rather than merely wafted away, and that should a troop of Klingons (uh, Ferenghi) march through, they will in fact not tromp through the floor.  And the several sets of living quarters that we've seen (NN) all look pleasant, livable, maybe even individual.  The Enterprise corridors are remarkably sterile and definitely need some murals or graffiti.
     The uniforms and other costumes are striking -- I see Bill Theiss is still on the team.  That was one deuce of a seductress assemblage that Tasha Yar (NN) summoned from Ship's Stores.  And I like that cloakless cloaked look in the StarFleet uniforms.  If they were much more close-fitting a few participants might need the ungirdled girdled look.
     Interesting props, too.  The cactus caestus (CH) was cute, though poor scrawny Yar could barely manage to hold it at arm's length.  Even better was the neon electrified jungle gym al duello.  Just the Xmas gift you always wanted for those brats next door.

     Verified, theories yet to be:  (1) Q is schizoid -- God Almighty and the Devil two.  (2) Wes Crusher is Picard's son.  Not so tawdry as it sounds; imagine the late Crusher was sterile and accepted some form of aid from Picard, who after all won't be having a family of his own.  (3) The STTNG Klingons follow the approved cinematic model rather than the STTOG TV model.  Perhaps there were two races of Klingons and one exterminated the other, resulting in the effective demise of the Empire?  (4) The Klingon crew members will use up all the gymnasium punching bags before the ten-year mission is over.

     Worf:  His name is worse than his bite.  We haven't seen much of him yet, but he does continually give an alarming impression of ill temper held back by imminently vanishable force of will.  The fellow should have been born Siamese twins so he could indulge in mortal combat in his spare time.

     Yar, Lt. Tasha, Security Chief:  Dead loss.  There is no sign she commands any Security group, or grasps military strategy, but she does seem to act as Bridge bodyguard weapons stationeer.  She's not a well developed character, especially as to the muscles that I would have expected to help in her apparent position.  Only her neo-quasi-pseudo-crypto-punk haircut identifies her as She Who Must Be Obeyed.
     Yar's temper (EF) should have gotten her held in a condition of cryogenic career suspension.  She's dumb enough (CH) to let suspectable people close enough to grab her.  Gauche enough to keep fighting them just for the sake of causing bruises.  And, after all her self-glorification (CH), just not good enough to win the duel quick.
     But at heart, you see, all this tough broad wants is to slip into something more comfortable (NN) and get on the outside of the latest thing in viriliform vibrators.  This broad wasn't just a bitch in heat, she was a Dog Star Nova.
     Please let this character be an expendable, O Great Bird.